Thursday, June 6, 2013

Chainclaw's Top Ten WORST Star Trek Villains.

Well, well, well... Looks like I'm back to the universe Rodenberry built again. Last time I rattled off my favorite villains from all series of Star Trek shows and movies. That list was easy compared to the challenge I have set in front of me. The best of the best is easy compared to the...worst. Just as there are many adventures featuring very well written villains, there's also been a large number that feature bad guys ranging from simply not well thought out to....well honestly, laughable. However, even then there is enjoyment at looking back at these failures of villainy.

Keep in mind since some of these characters are really just silly, this top ten will not be very serious in tone. Hopefully you'll get a few laughs and also some fond memories will pop up too. So without further ado, here's "Chainclaw's Top Ten Worst Star Trek Villains".

 photo worstpakled_zps55ecfb26.jpg

10. The Pakleds- The most useless aliens in the universe. Unable to apparently fix their own ships, much less form coherent sentences, the Pakleds are almost too pathetic to make fun of. Almost. Funny thing? These idiots of the galaxy managed to kidnap Geordi LaForge. Doesn't speak well for the guy. Even stranger is how they held Geordi up as some sort of demi-god it seemed. "Geordi make ship go." "We are smart!". Indeed.

 photo worstbynars_zps0f3c577a.jpg

9. The Bynars- These aliens exist as bonded sets of twins and their entire race communicates in binary language(I can't wait for the MSDOSians). Ok that in and of itself isn't a horrible idea for aliens. The slope gets slippery though when they end up being the antagonists in their only appearance. Not physically intimidating, they require using their intellect when they decide to hijack the Enterprise D. Their amazing plan? Get Riker laid on the Holodeck. Seriously, they use an advanced holographic template called "Minuet" to seduce Riker at first, then sweet talk Picard later. Both the accomplished officers think with their genitals for 30 minutes before taking a cold shower and fixing things. The Bynars.... they will attack you, with SEX..... just not with them.

 photo worstapollo_zpscd527389.jpg

8. Apollo- Don't you hate when you're cruising the universe and a giant floating disembodied hand grabs your starship? Yeah, kind of a drag. That's how bored god Apollo rolls though. Whiny, spoiled and really all around douchebag, Apollo gives even the worst Greek Gods a bad name in the episode "Who Mourns for Adonais?". One example? Dude will totally cockblock you and steal your chick. Nevermind the super hammy overacting and again, giant floating hand holding the Enterprise and you have not only a fratboy jerk, but a weird ass fratboy jerk, as your villain.

 photo worstshinzon_zps3f64f413.jpg

7. Shinzon- Ahh, Shinzon, the young evil Romulan clone of Picard who rebelled against the empire. Get all that? You Sure? It's pretty convoluted. "Nemesis" was already bad but this villain was just ridiculous. It's his back story mainly. It's like they had a dartboard of cliche's and just used what they hit. Young and arrogant? Check. Evil clone of main character? Check. Random enemy alien race? Check. This was a much better idea when it was Tasha Yar's half Romulan daughter Sela? Double check.

 photo worstscorpion_zps7a1b6fce.jpg

6. Species 8472 (Scorpion Aliens)- My lord were these things terrifying when introduced. Straight up "Borg Killers" they had bizarre organic weaponry and starships, disturbing features, and came out of nowhere. The back story? The Borg had found a way into "Fluidic Space" and had unsuccessfully started a war with 8472. That was a bad idea. The Borg, in another nerfing incident, got their automated asses handed to them. 8472's debut in the two part episode "Scorpion" was pretty cool. Then....later they return and.... Sigh. Voyager runs across them again, this time taking on human forms to understand and plot against the federation. I make light of the Borg getting nerfed, but in one episode a potentially cool villain got turned into a huge joke. They were so de-mystified and rendered uninteresting they have yet to ever show up in any Trek shows or movies since.

 photo worstbalok_zps8a233003.jpg

5. Balok- "Have some ...Tranya!". This weirdo alien at first scared the beejeebers out of the TOS crew in "The Corbomite Maneuver" as a long faced grumpy looking alien. Only to then reveal himself as a young, nightgown wearing Clint Howard with a very annoying, high pitched, dubbed adult voice. He wasn't really so he was creepy as hell. I mean to me he looked liked he should be tooling around in a space van asking space kids if they wanted space candy...oh sorry I mean Tranya. Brrrrrr.

 photo worstkazon_zps7a2d01ed.jpg

4. The Kazon- Whoa boy, this may be a long one. The Kazon were among the earliest of the Voyager crew enemies(aside from the confused Caretaker), and definitely remained the worst for a long time. I mean come nomads? Did they sometimes have like tent cities on asteroids? Looking like someone tried to make a Klingon costume out of duct tape and a cheap afro wig, they were far from intimidating. Not to mention they easily tie with most 80's cartoon villains for having the most sinister plans.... that get easily foiled. Add to the fact for like two seasons these were the main bad guys for some ungodly reason... that in and of itself was the real torture. Let's put it this way, later when the Voyager crew runs across the Borg, the Collective states they are aware of the Kazon, and they weren't worth assimilating. Ouch.

 photo worstsoran_zps496404d9.jpg

3. Dr. Tolian Soran- Ok, if you liked "Generations", fine, but El-Aurian scientist Dr. Soran is still a lame villain. His entire arc is getting back to a space phenomena called "The Nexus Ribbon", which, if entered, transported you to your personal hearts desire. A place he went once, but was teleported out of by the Enterprise B. The problem is Soran...Kirk...even Guinan all went into the Nexus while aboard ships. So what does this genius do? Wastes excessive resources, and destroys entire planets and space stations to bring the damn thing RIGHT to him. They may try to explain it, but the fact is the Nexus destroys whatever it runs across, so why is a planet better? Other lameness? He aligns himself with Lursa and B'etor, the Duras sisters, who are known jerkfaces. He tortures Geordi, which would be scary if the engineer didn't get tortured like once a season. Add to the fact he's such a lame bad guy he can't even fire his pistol gangster style as the damn thing corrects itself to fire right. I wonder where he got his space degree at.....

 photo worstsybok_zpsea653d21.jpg

2. Sybok- Spock's half brother, also known as "Space Dr. Phil", Sybok was a mess. In a nutshell he liked "taking people's pain away", hijacking starships, and literally looking for the God of Sha Ka Ree so he could prove he was very smart. Giant energy barrier at the middle of the universe no starship can pass? Doesn't phase captain feel good. His biggest offense was being the primary antagonist in Star Trek 5(aka the worst Trek movie) until the next guy...

 photo worstgodshakaree_zpsd805ab1e.jpg

1. God/God of Sha Ka Ree- My personal dislike for this floating head is well known amongst the Fanholes. Known for his awesome catchphrase of "YYYYOOOooooooOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!", he's hardly menacing, much less a "God". After all, what does God need with a Starship? Anyway, he's mainly lame for being the big payoff villain in Star Trek 5, payoff meaning being so powerful he can take a Photon Torpedo to the face, yet get blown the hell up by a wing mounted Klingon Disruptor. I mean if you're going to be built up as a being who has confused many alien races as their god, you may want to build up your hit points or something. A bad villain for a bad movie, and the number 1 entry on my list.

There you go, as with my last list, all personal choices if you disagree feel free to let me know! - Tony/Chainclaw.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man, I remember watching "The Corbomite Maneuver" with my roommate; to this day, Balok creeps him out.

    Also, Shinzon? Played by a young Tom Hardy aka "the once and future Bane."