Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Fanholes Top 25 LAMEST Spider-Man Villains

Spider-Man has one of, if not THE best rogues gallery in comic books. But in any superhero's rogues gallery, there are turkeys. No, I'm not talking about Turkey-Man.

There are some villains that are just...lame.

I've compiled a list of what the Fanholes believe are the LAMEST of Spider-Man's villains. We came up with a number of them, then personally assigned a point value to each one from 0-10, with 10 being the lamest-of-the-lame and 0 being not-so-lame. I then added up the points to get the rankings for this list.

There are other lame Spider-Man villains that aren't mentioned here, but these are the ones that scored the highest and jumped to many of our minds immediately.

So without further ado, I present Fanholes Top 25 LAMEST Spider-Man villains!


25. STEGRON- 12 Lame-o Points

First Appearance- Marvel Team-Up # 19 (1974)

Research assistant to Curt Connors- the Lizard, Vincent Stegron drank a serum derived from stegosaurus DNA and became Stegron, the Dinosaur Man!

"If you have made dinosaurs lame, you kinda messed up bad." -Tony

24. STUNNER- 14 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Spectacular Spider-Man # 220 (1995)

Angelina Brancale was the overweight, insecure secretary of Otto Octavius. They fell in love, and he granted her access to a virtual reality rig that allowed her to inhabit a hard-light avatar that she created of her ideal female body. In return, she devoted herself completely to Doctor Octopus.

Does anyone miss the '90s? Well here ya go, big boobs, big hips, barely-there costume...” -Tony

23. FUSION- 14.5 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Peter Parker: Spider-Man # 30 (2001)

Wayne Markley's son was killed attempting to emulate his hero, Spider-Man. Using a psionic “suggestion” talent and some technology, Fusion employed illusions that made it appear that he could copy any superhuman abilities at will.

This dude started out as a poor man's Cell from DBZ and turned out to be a wannabe Mysterio. Either way, the '90s-esque pwning of Spidey without any proper shred of cred or the hypno-pwning, I hatez him.” -Derek

At the very least, he received the standard Classic Villain Counter-Pwnage by Doctor Octopus eventually.” -Mike

22. WILL O'THE WISP- 16 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 167 (1977)

A scientist working for a Roxxon Oil subsidiary, Jackson Arvad was the victim of an accident that granted him the ability to alter his body's molecular stability.

He has a terrible name.” -Mike

21. POLESTAR- 16.5 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 409 (1996)

A contestant in the superhuman contest known as the “Great Game”, Polestar wore a suit of armor that allows him to control magnetic fields.

Another...unfortunate...name. Thank God for El Toro Ne-...wait...never mind.” -Mike

20. THE STUDENTS OF LOVE- 16.75 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Web of Spider-Man # 40 (1988)

A cult that ensnared a grieving Betty Brant with fake miracle healings.

Leading a bunch of brainwashed lame-os, some guy named Teacher totally brainwashes Betty Brant and if I recall correctly, finds out not only Spidey's secret ID, but convinces him that his trickery with stomach penetration healing is the real deal. I like Peter David, but this isn't one of his best. Stomach shenanigans with fake chicken blood fool Spider-Sense? Lame.” -Derek

Spider-Man had to go to Doctor Druid for help with these guys. That should tell you how lame they are.” -Mike

19. GOG- 17 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 103 (1971)

A giant alien that was sent to Earth and landed in the Savage Land, where it was raised by Kraven the Hunter. It briefly served in a later incarnation of the Sinister Six.

In his spare time, Kraven apparently raised a giant baby alien monster to adulthood in the Savage Land. I don't even know what to make of this.” -Mike

18. PAPERDOLL- 18 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 559 (2008)

Piper Dali has the ability to flatten herself to become as thin as paper. She used this power to terrorize actor Bobby Carr, the object of her obsession.

"With the power to become paper thin and a premise essentially the same" -Brian

She was obsessed with Mary Jane's new druggie actor boyfriend. They probably deserved each other.” -Mike

17. MIRAGE- 18.5 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 156 (1976)

Desmond Charne was a “hologram technician” who decided to use his skills to become a supervillain after his girlfriend became obsessed with Iron Man.

Ugly, ugly costume. Thank God for the Scourge.” -Mike

16. WHITE RABBIT- 19 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Marvel Team-Up # 131 (1983)

Lorina Dodson grew up obsessed with Alice in Wonderland, married a rich guy, murdered him, and then used his wealth to live the adventurous life she'd always fantasized about.

White Rabbit was in one of my first Spidey comics. Spidey and the "Fantastic Frog-Man" fought her in an issue of Marvel Team Up. Honestly....I like her look- the Alice in Wonderland thing, the...ahem...okay...sexiness. I like her, she gets thumbs up. -Tony

She's still lame, Tony.” -Mike

15. KANGAROO- 19.5 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 81 (1970)

Frank Oliver tried to emulate kangaroos in any way he could, eating, fighting, and living with them until he somehow gained the abilities of a kangaroo.

“Of all of Spidey's animal-based opponents, this is one of the silliest. And who in their right mind would pick up the Kangaroo as a villain legacy? Geez.”

Whether being reduced to a pile of ashes or one-shotted by Lady Deathstrike, Kangaroo usually gets what he deserves.” -Mike

14. MINDWORM- 21 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 138 (1974)

William Turner was a mutant who could enter people's minds and fed off their emotions.

A guy who is so lame he let himself get killed by street thugs when he couldn't cut it.” -Tony

13. SHRIEK- 23 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Spider-Man Unlimited # 1 (1993)

Frances Louise Barrison was a drug dealer who was driven insane after being within Cloak's dark dimension. She has the ability to manipulate sound to various effects and is the on-and-off girlfriend of Carnage.

She's like Harley Quinn, minus the...uh...let's say, dignity.” -Mike

12. THE JURY- 23.5 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Venom: Lethal Protector # 2 (1993)

The Jury are an armored group brought together by one Orwell Taylor. Their purpose; to avenge the death of Taylor's son at the hands of Eddie Brock, Venom. Also, they blame Spider-Man too, because why not?

A big group of people who hated Venom. So...in their amazing deductive skills, decided that since Pete wore the symbiote first, it's his fault their loved ones died...HUH? It really doesn't help a full team of armor-wearing baddies got their asses handed to them by Pete a few times.” -Tony

They couldn't even kill Venom, and their armor was MADE TO KILL VENOM. The Thunderbolts have kicked their cans a couple times too.” -Mike

11. JUDAS TRAVELLER- 23.75 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Spectacular Spider-Man # 217 (1994)

A world-renown criminal psychologist obsessed with the nature of evil, Judas Traveller appeared to be a godlike being, possessing a multitude of superhuman powers. In reality, he only possessed the mutant ability to alter people's perceptions and was a figurehead for his associate Scrier.

This guy...is not...a Spider-Man villain. He just isn't. He's almost more embarrassing than the most embarrassing clone-related stuff in the Clone Saga. Almost.” -Mike

10. JOYSTICK- 24 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Scarlet Spider # 2 (1995)

Like Polestar, Janice Olivia Yanizeski is a super-powered contestant in the Great Game. An adrenaline junkie, she possesses heightened reflexes, stamina, and agility. She carries two energized batons that can fire force blasts.

I hope I don't have to explain why she's lame.” -Derek

Aw, c'mon...she was a Thunderbolt. That buys her some leeway with me.” -Mike

9. FACADE- 24.5 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Web of Spider-Man # 113 (1994)

An unknown individual who stole a suit of combat armor created by Doctor Thomas Haney. His identity remains unrevealed to this day, mostly because no one cares.

This lame-o's claim to fame was killing Lance Bannon. The only reason I even know who he is, is that one day I asked Mike, "Whatever happened to Lance Bannon?" And then it was relayed to me that a lame-o killed him. Never let it be said I don't listen to my friends.” -Derek

8. TYPEFACE- 27 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Peter Parker: Spider-Man # 23 (2000)

A veteran soldier named Gordon Thomas who lost his job with a sign agency. He responded by covering his skin in letters and embarking on a terror campaign.

Venom fatally smashing this loser through a car in the background of a larger panel was a bright spot during Civil War.” -Mike

7. FREAK- 28 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 546 (2008)

A homeless junkie who injected experimental stem cells into his body, giving him the ability to “evolve” after every injury to make him invulnerable to being harmed in that manner again.

Yeah, get this Image character out of here, please, Brand New Day braintrust.” -Mike

6. RED VULTURE- 29 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 592 (2009)

James Natale was a hitman for the mob who was genetically-altered to possess wings, fangs, and the ability to spit acid.

"Let's do the Vulture again, but make him red and vomit on people. Another gem from the Brand New Day braintrust. Thank God for the Punisher.” -Mike

5. HYPNO-HUSTLER- 29.5 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Spectacular Spider-Man # 24 (1978)

Antoine Delsoin is a musician whose usual schtick is using his band's music to hypnotize their audience and then rob them blind.

Bill Mantlo created this disco/Jimi Hendrix version of the Pied Piper and predicted future administrations?” -Derek

4. BIG WHEEL- 31 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 182 (1978)

Jackson Weele pilots a...big wheel for use in his criminal activities.

Thanks Marv Wolfman. Thanks a bunch!” -Derek

3. ANA KRAVINOFF- 34 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 565 (2008)

Ana Kravinoff is the 13 year old daughter of Kraven the Hunter. She's obsessed with proving herself worthy of her father's legacy.

Skittles Kraven...when all you can remember is the fan nickname for a Spider-Man villain, she's not very memorable. Or good.” -Derek

Sorry, Kraven...your legacy is screwed. Kaine should have broken her neck and saw her off like all the other Kraven kids.” -Mike

2. SPIDERCIDE- 37 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Spectacular Spider-Man # 222 (1995)

A demented clone of Peter Parker, able to manipulate his molecular structure and shape-shift.

His name is a combination of Spider-Man and homicide. And he's yet another clone of Peter Parker. And he's pretty much a poster child of the declining '90s.” -Derek

Remember how I said that Judas Traveller was almost more embarrassing than some of the other crud in the Clone Saga? Spidercide is one of those things that has got him beat on the embarrassment scale.” -Mike

1. MORLUN- 45 Lame-o Points
First Appearance- Amazing Spider-Man # 471 (2001)

An ancient predator that feeds on totemic life forces. Morlun possesses super-strength and durability and is possibly immortal.

Morlun gave us “The Other”. How I hate thee...” -Tony

Morlun makes Spidey piss his pants and gives him the same typical zero-cred one-sided beatdown that Derek hates Fusion for. But I think I'm more annoyed with how very dull and one-dimensional he is. Plus, his origin and power set are rather ill-defined and we aren't even sure if the Morlun who shows up in The Other is the same one who showed up in Straczynski's initial arc. And finally, like with Judas Traveller, he just doesn't seem like a Spider-Man villain.” -Mike


And that is that.  There are obviously others that we left out, but these are the guys that jumped to our minds immediately and scored the highest on the Lame-o meter.  Some readers may agree with our choices, but maybe some of you like some of the villains on this list.  If so, shoot us an email and tell us why we are WRONG WRONG WRONG!  Thanks for reading, swingers!


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