Chainclaw's Top Ten Weird G.I.Joes!

Another top ten? As long as I draw breath they will never end!

While I am mainly a Transformer's guy as far as my toy collecting goes, there are many lines I also enjoy. One of these is G.I. Joe. Specifically the smaller Joes from the 80's for nostalgic reasons, and the recent lines because of how well done they are. However, as with all toys, while there are some amazing figures out there, there are also those that because of a name, or a design... are just kinda funky. They aren't so much bad, they are just a little....off.

Well, I'm here to give these outcasts a little love, so here's Chainclaws Top Ten Weird G. I. Joes!

10. Headman- This was a character that came out a good while after I had stopped collecting in my younger years, and learned about him upon my return to collecting. Headman is more or less a civilian criminal...specifically a drug kingpin. A weird fit into the military world of G. I. Joe. However, there was a big push at the time to "Just Say No" and all that, so I can see where the idea came from. Joes are all american heroes, let's have them take down a druglord(The Joe anti-drug team was named DEF), pretty simple. The main thing I do like about Headman is his not as weird, badass personal soldiers, the Headhunters. They just look lethal, and really need an updated figure. However, without their weird boss, they wouldn't exist. So, for that, the action figure who probably snorts coke makes the list.

9. Cesspool- Brian may take me to task on this, but Cesspool is weird with a capital "W". A former philanthropist that was environmentally responsible, he ends up taking a bath in some sludge, disfiguring his face, and hey, why not? Joins up with Cobra as the main villain in the "Eco-Warriors" sub line Hasbro released for Joe. Cesspool looks more like someone Batman or Spidey would battle. Brightly colored, monstery face, insane, all the standard supervillain guy stuff. Like Headman, I understand the idea behind this, the whole pollution issue had been addressed in the Captain Planet cartoon, which was popular, and Hasbro wanted on the bandwagon. Of course, jumping on said bandwagon, they needed a villain less in the vein of an evil terrorist, and more a super villain, so taa-daa, Cesspool. Still freaky looking though.

8. Robo-Joe- Ok, many criticized the later years of Joe for not being very realistic. Well, Star Brigade took that opinion and blew the hell out of anything coming close to "realistic". Aliens, space travel... and a cyborg Joe figure. Robo-Joe is not only a weird idea, but look at him. Yikes, they possibly did the crappiest cyborg design possible. He'd rank higher if he was more memorable. Unlike the previous two...I really have very little to say about Robo-Joe.... he's weird, and he sucks.

7. Manimals- A previously unreleased sub line from Star Brigade, the Manimals were a gimmick set of figures. Fans were anxious to get them, and eventually they were a Kay-Bee exclusive release. Having an alternate head, or weird alien deal in their chests, they would open revealing the space critter. The villains, who were aliens, were pretty bad, but there were concepts to have beloved characters like Snake-Eyes in this flipping crap. Ugh, no thanks.

6. Captain Grid-Iron- You know what kids like? G. I. Joe. You know what else they like? Sports. So, what do we do? That's right, mash up a soldier with a football player! The good captain not only had a military helmet that had the familiar football faceguard, but he also had a lil football grenade on his backpack! He also came with possibly the most insane gun I ever saw. Looking like a huge pistol, this bad boy had three freaking missiles on it. I assume Captain Grid-Iron is just so bad ass, he has to have a pistol that shoots missiles. He was just so far out of left field, and oddly enough I actually like this weird ass football/road warrior looking reject.

5. Crystal Ball- Ok, here's where we get into some prime weird. Crystal Ball here is a gypsy hypnotist. Yup, you heard me, gypsy hypnotist. It's assumed he uses the lenticular sticker shield accessory he came with to do this. It's a pretty big, silly prop. Most guys just use a pocket watch. Anyway, this loser had no weapons with him(a cardinal sin in Joe Land), and as far as I know may have held the title as biggest peg warmer for the whole line. I never saw him sell, there would be five or six of these guys in an otherwise empty Joe section. One more time. Gypsy hypnotist.

4. Super Trooper- Wow...obviously a master of camouflage, Ol' Disco Vest here was a mail away figure. Clip some Flag Points off some toys, send a few bucks, and taa-daa this chrome plated monstrosity could be yours. Obviously again trying to blend superheroes with the military theme, Super Trooper was a gaudy looking toy, and his big shiny shield wasn't the coolest accessory. All in all a weird figure for sure, and a silly lookin one to boot.

3. Toxo-Zombie- Another one Brian will have words with me about, this figure from the aforementioned Eco Warriors shows up. This time a day-glo neon colored former Viper, contaminated by toxic waste. Instead of dying...like you would normally do, he's now a mindless super strong zombie serving the evil Cesspool(see why I said he was a supervillain?)! The colors on this thing are just...gah...and the idea is also really silly. Give them credit on one thing, they were like twenty years ahead on the current zombie craze.

2. Big Boa- Ok, first of all, I really like this figure. He looks mean, like any good Cobra should. However, barring my bias, I cannot overlook this character comes with boxing gloves, and besides his head, has no visible armor or protection. He looks amazingly silly, and badass at the same time. It's just mind boggling how this was pulled off. I blame the awesome helmet. A guy in a turtleneck and daisy dukes would look badass with that helmet. But still, his overall weirdness is still evident, so he makes the list. His badassery just ranks him higher.

1. The Fridge- Ok.... Sgt. Slaughter was a wrestler... but at least he was a military themed wrestler, and was actually in the Marines before going into wrestling. Made sense. William "The Refrigerator" Perry was just a big ass football player who became super popular when the Chicago Bears were having a hot season, ending with a Superbowl win. I have no idea besides just being popular why this guy was made. His accessory also sucks, a spiked football on a chain(said chain being rigid plastic). It could have been worse as there were plans to make Rocky Balboa a figure(seriously), but I only count produced figures in this list. The Fridge was just goofy, weird, and didn't fit in at all....well except to get Captain Grid-Iron some buffalo wings and a six pack on gameday.

Well, at ease troopers, the top ten weirdest G. I. Joe figures/characters mission has been completed. Hope you enjoyed! Tony/Chainclaw.

Chainclaw's Top Ten WORST Star Trek Villains.

Well, well, well... Looks like I'm back to the universe Rodenberry built again. Last time I rattled off my favorite villains from all series of Star Trek shows and movies. That list was easy compared to the challenge I have set in front of me. The best of the best is easy compared to the...worst. Just as there are many adventures featuring very well written villains, there's also been a large number that feature bad guys ranging from simply not well thought out to....well honestly, laughable. However, even then there is enjoyment at looking back at these failures of villainy.

Keep in mind since some of these characters are really just silly, this top ten will not be very serious in tone. Hopefully you'll get a few laughs and also some fond memories will pop up too. So without further ado, here's "Chainclaw's Top Ten Worst Star Trek Villains".

10. The Pakleds- The most useless aliens in the universe. Unable to apparently fix their own ships, much less form coherent sentences, the Pakleds are almost too pathetic to make fun of. Almost. Funny thing? These idiots of the galaxy managed to kidnap Geordi LaForge. Doesn't speak well for the guy. Even stranger is how they held Geordi up as some sort of demi-god it seemed. "Geordi make ship go." "We are smart!". Indeed.

9. The Bynars- These aliens exist as bonded sets of twins and their entire race communicates in binary language(I can't wait for the MSDOSians). Ok that in and of itself isn't a horrible idea for aliens. The slope gets slippery though when they end up being the antagonists in their only appearance. Not physically intimidating, they require using their intellect when they decide to hijack the Enterprise D. Their amazing plan? Get Riker laid on the Holodeck. Seriously, they use an advanced holographic template called "Minuet" to seduce Riker at first, then sweet talk Picard later. Both the accomplished officers think with their genitals for 30 minutes before taking a cold shower and fixing things. The Bynars.... they will attack you, with SEX..... just not with them.

8. Apollo- Don't you hate when you're cruising the universe and a giant floating disembodied hand grabs your starship? Yeah, kind of a drag. That's how bored god Apollo rolls though. Whiny, spoiled and really all around douchebag, Apollo gives even the worst Greek Gods a bad name in the episode "Who Mourns for Adonais?". One example? Dude will totally cockblock you and steal your chick. Nevermind the super hammy overacting and again, giant floating hand holding the Enterprise and you have not only a fratboy jerk, but a weird ass fratboy jerk, as your villain.

7. Shinzon- Ahh, Shinzon, the young evil Romulan clone of Picard who rebelled against the empire. Get all that? You Sure? It's pretty convoluted. "Nemesis" was already bad but this villain was just ridiculous. It's his back story mainly. It's like they had a dartboard of cliche's and just used what they hit. Young and arrogant? Check. Evil clone of main character? Check. Random enemy alien race? Check. This was a much better idea when it was Tasha Yar's half Romulan daughter Sela? Double check.

6. Species 8472 (Scorpion Aliens)- My lord were these things terrifying when introduced. Straight up "Borg Killers" they had bizarre organic weaponry and starships, disturbing features, and came out of nowhere. The back story? The Borg had found a way into "Fluidic Space" and had unsuccessfully started a war with 8472. That was a bad idea. The Borg, in another nerfing incident, got their automated asses handed to them. 8472's debut in the two part episode "Scorpion" was pretty cool. Then....later they return and.... Sigh. Voyager runs across them again, this time taking on human forms to understand and plot against the federation. I make light of the Borg getting nerfed, but in one episode a potentially cool villain got turned into a huge joke. They were so de-mystified and rendered uninteresting they have yet to ever show up in any Trek shows or movies since.

5. Balok- "Have some ...Tranya!". This weirdo alien at first scared the beejeebers out of the TOS crew in "The Corbomite Maneuver" as a long faced grumpy looking alien. Only to then reveal himself as a young, nightgown wearing Clint Howard with a very annoying, high pitched, dubbed adult voice. He wasn't really so much...bad...as he was creepy as hell. I mean to me he looked liked he should be tooling around in a space van asking space kids if they wanted space candy...oh sorry I mean Tranya. Brrrrrr.

4. The Kazon- Whoa boy, this may be a long one. The Kazon were among the earliest of the Voyager crew enemies(aside from the confused Caretaker), and definitely remained the worst for a long time. I mean come on...space nomads? Did they sometimes have like tent cities on asteroids? Looking like someone tried to make a Klingon costume out of duct tape and a cheap afro wig, they were far from intimidating. Not to mention they easily tie with most 80's cartoon villains for having the most sinister plans.... that get easily foiled. Add to the fact for like two seasons these were the main bad guys for some ungodly reason... that in and of itself was the real torture. Let's put it this way, later when the Voyager crew runs across the Borg, the Collective states they are aware of the Kazon, and they weren't worth assimilating. Ouch.

3. Dr. Tolian Soran- Ok, if you liked "Generations", fine, but El-Aurian scientist Dr. Soran is still a lame villain. His entire arc is getting back to a space phenomena called "The Nexus Ribbon", which, if entered, transported you to your personal hearts desire. A place he went once, but was teleported out of by the Enterprise B. The problem is Soran...Kirk...even Guinan all went into the Nexus while aboard ships. So what does this genius do? Wastes excessive resources, and destroys entire planets and space stations to bring the damn thing RIGHT to him. They may try to explain it, but the fact is the Nexus destroys whatever it runs across, so why is a planet better? Other lameness? He aligns himself with Lursa and B'etor, the Duras sisters, who are known jerkfaces. He tortures Geordi, which would be scary if the engineer didn't get tortured like once a season. Add to the fact he's such a lame bad guy he can't even fire his pistol gangster style as the damn thing corrects itself to fire right. I wonder where he got his space degree at.....

2. Sybok- Spock's half brother, also known as "Space Dr. Phil", Sybok was a mess. In a nutshell he liked "taking people's pain away", hijacking starships, and literally looking for the God of Sha Ka Ree so he could prove he was very smart. Giant energy barrier at the middle of the universe no starship can pass? Doesn't phase captain feel good. His biggest offense was being the primary antagonist in Star Trek 5(aka the worst Trek movie) until the next guy...

1. God/God of Sha Ka Ree- My personal dislike for this floating head is well known amongst the Fanholes. Known for his awesome catchphrase of "YYYYOOOooooooOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!", he's hardly menacing, much less a "God". After all, what does God need with a Starship? Anyway, he's mainly lame for being the big payoff villain in Star Trek 5, payoff meaning being so powerful he can take a Photon Torpedo to the face, yet get blown the hell up by a wing mounted Klingon Disruptor. I mean if you're going to be built up as a being who has confused many alien races as their god, you may want to build up your hit points or something. A bad villain for a bad movie, and the number 1 entry on my list.

There you go, as with my last list, all personal choices if you disagree feel free to let me know! - Tony/Chainclaw.